I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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