Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
