i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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