I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
