I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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