her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
