I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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