My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
