my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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