those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize