When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
