he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
