The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
