a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
