Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
