The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize