dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize