it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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