They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
