I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
