I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
