Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
