Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
