You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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