He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
