I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I smell stomach acid.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
