She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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