i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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