Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
