he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
