The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
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