I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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