Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
