My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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