His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize