told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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