What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
