Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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