The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
