Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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