Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
