The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
