she woke up with a sticky ear
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
