A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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