he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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