I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
