I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
