I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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