We are two peas in an std pod
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
