1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
