I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
