...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
