I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
