I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize