I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
