My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
