now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
