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So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
