i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
vagina is talking i cant
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
