So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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