I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
