He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
